A Pleasant Evening Talk
by The Illustrious Crackpot
Summary: Roxanne decides to have a simple, adult conversation with Megamind. Nothing could possibly go wrong... Post-movie, some spoilers.


_A/N: I randomly found this on my hard drive gathering dust (I originally wrote it a year or so ago), and it wound up being much better than I thought I remembered it, so I decided to share. Also it made me laugh._

_Inspired by my experiences in the _Megamind_ fandom a few years ago when I kept coming across fanart and fanfics of Megamind and Roxanne in sexy situations, and thinking about how that didn't quite add up with the childlike/mentally-and-emotionally-stunted impression of Megamind I was getting from the movie..._

**A Pleasant Evening Talk**

(The Illustrious Crackpot)

"So," began Roxanne awkwardly, fumbling to find a good conversation-starter, "this is...a _nostalgic_ room."

"Indeed it is," replied Megamind from across the table—and added wistfully, without a trace of irony, "We made so many _beautiful_ memories here."

To put it mildly, the room they were currently dining in had quite a lot of history behind it. It was, in fact, the very room in which he had so often held her captive and dangling over or under or _inside_ so many horrible deathtraps while he attempted comically to gloat about it. Of course there had been _many_ rooms to fit this description over the years, but since this particular room was the one in which Metro Man's (apparent) _death_ had been so overdramatically carried out...Roxanne was pretty sure this one took the prize for the world's most tasteless setting for a dinner date. For goodness's sake, even if they _had_ been deactivated, the walls were still _littered_ with machines of unimaginable doom.

Megamind seemed blissfully ignorant of this fact, however, as he meticulously wound a strand of spaghetti onto his fork with the wonder of a small child.

To be fair, Roxanne had to concede, there probably weren't too many other places he could comfortably take her out to—certainly nowhere _public_, it was already hard enough to cope with the all-too-fresh public perception of Megamind as a supervillain without having to worry about the paparazzi snapping awkward photos and printing disgusting accusations about their relationship—and anyways, the room being so spacious and dimly-lit and darkly-colored, it admittedly had an extremely potent atmosphere. And if there was one thing Megamind really valued, it was atmosphere.

Still, as weird a location as it was for a date, it was going to be even weirder for the topic Roxanne had firmly promised herself to broach on that evening. It couldn't be helped. If she waited any longer, she might lose her nerve, and if she did _that_ then the question would nag at her and nag at her and push her to her breaking point, which would certainly _not_ be a good addition to a relationship as chaotic and potentially volatile as this one already was.

She opened her mouth.

But suddenly a hairy arm lunged before her face as Minion bent in to take their plates. She hadn't even heard him come in. "Anybody want seconds?" the alien fish asked brightly, a wide grin on his face despite Megamind's obvious irritation at this intrusion. "Anybody? Sir? Miss Ritchie? Going once, going twice, aaaaaaand...going just _one more time_...AAAAAAAND—"

"Just take the plates away, Minion," Megamind snapped a bit too harshly, trying to wave him away. Roxanne smiled apologetically up at Minion, giving a slight shrug. He inclined his head in a good-humored "I'm used to it" manner in response, but did obligingly step back.

"So what do you guys want for dessert? I can whip up some—"

"_MINION!_" the ex-villain barked, which sent the robot-bodied creature scurrying back out of the room. After seething for a moment, Megamind shouted after him, "AND DON'T COME BACK UNLESS YOU'RE BRINGING JELL-O!", before immediately slumping back into a relaxed pose, dropping his chin into his cupped hands and gazing adoringly across the table at his date.

Roxanne giggled slightly, and blushed as she averted her eyes. But then her mind returned to the present situation, and the smile slid from her lips. As much sympathy as she usually felt for Minion—whenever she was around, Megamind was always vehemently pushing the poor guy away in order to maximize his time alone with her—just then forcing Minion to pull up a chair and stick around would only make matters infinitely worse. And, as it was, she could already count approximately six hundred ways that this conversation could end in total disaster.

"Megamind..." she began tentatively.

His head shot up instantaneously, eyes wide. "Yes, Roxanne?"

She opened her mouth again, then paused. Then tried again, but still couldn't get any words out. Well...what _was_ the best way to broach this subject? Especially considering their..._history_...

"Um," she started out as a placeholder, then decided to go with the simplest opener. "So...I was _wondering_..."

Megamind nodded emphatically. "Yes, I hear that's _quite_ good for the brain."

"I wasn't finished with my sentence," Roxanne explained gently—she'd gotten used to these kinds of awkwardly-timed interjections over the past few weeks. "What I was wondering _about_ was...well..." She took a deep breath and tried to ignore the slight flush in her cheeks. "About a certain aspect of our relationship that we probably need to discuss."

Megamind's eyebrows furrowed together in concern. "What could possibly need _discussing?_" he inquired, almost a demand. Then the confusion turned to panic, and he shot out of his seat with a clatter. "You're not—you're not _breaking up with me_ again, are you?"

Roxanne leapt to her feet as well. "No, no, I'm _not_ breaking up with you!" she insisted, grabbing his shoulders and physically forcing him to sit back down. She'd gotten used to this kind of thing too, the spontaneous freakouts that she'd learned _very quickly_ required immediate action to prevent any devastatingly destructive consequences. She kept up extremely firm eye contact until she could see him fully calm down, then sat down herself and let out a breath. "I also don't plan to at any time in the foreseeable future, in case you're wondering. No, what I wanted to discuss was—"

She paused again, mindful of his expectant stare, and tried to compose the sentence in her mind.

"Not that I'm saying it should happen _immediately_ or anything like that, because I'm not that kind of girl, not _really_," she tried, "but I need to know if...well...if you'd have any interest—and at this point it's still _purely hypothetical_—if you'd have any interest in, AT SOME POINT...taking our relationship to the next level."

The conclusion was uttered in a single breath, and she inhaled strongly to recuperate, as well as in anticipation of the response.

Megamind just stared at her blankly.

She stared back, feeling pinpricks of sweat on her neck, her cheeks still swelled from that unreleased breath.

Silence reigned.

"For badness's _sake_, Roxanne, we're _already_ in the fake observatory!" he suddenly blurted out, throwing his arms into the air.

Her breath escaped in shock, though that emotion was a poor second to her bewilderment. "..._Huh?_"

"Do you know how high this is?" Megamind went on animatedly, staring her right in the face. "_Over one thousand feet above sea level!_ But NOOOOOO"—he rolled his eyes dramatically—"you're _Roxanne Ritchie_, STAR REPORTER! You've got to keep on climbing _higher!_ This building just isn't TALL enough for you, IS it? You want me to throw you off a SKYSCRAPER or something like your LAST boyfriend TITAN, _do you?_"

Oh geez, he was ranting already. "That's not what I meant!" Roxanne flustered, trying to salvage the situation. "Um, you're taking me too literally, this has NOTHING to do with—"

Megamind gasped in mock-surprise. "Oh, the _literary_ giant accuses ME of taking her _LITERALLY? _Oh, PERISH FORBID!"

Roxanne froze, cocking an eyebrow in confusion. "Wait—are you messing with me?" she inquired suspiciously. "Is this some kind of joke? 'Cus seriously, I can't tell."

"Oh-ho-HO, she can't TELL!" Megamind went on overdramatically, then suddenly stopped short and snapped into a serious upright posture, eyes glaring, one arm snapped out to point accusatorily at her. "I am being _very serious_, Roxanne. _Very serious_."

She breathed a sigh of relief, pulling her chair closer to the table. "Well, _good_, then so am I. I don't usually do this, but this is something I feel we need to get out in the open, and—"

"I agree _completely_," Megamind replied, though still with a hard edge to his voice, and with arms now firmly folded. "Now that we know about the difference in our views on elevation, we can carry out this conversation like _normal_, _conscientious adults_. By SCREAMING AND CRYING!"

"I'M NOT _TALKING_ ABOUT _ELEVATION!_" Roxanne shouted exasperatedly, forced to match the volume Megamind had just reached with his final statement.

"LIKE _HELL_ YOU'RE NOT! HAVE YOU EVEN HEARD WHAT YOU'VE BEEN _SAYING_, WOMAN?"

"I WAS USING A _EUPHEMISM!_ YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO _READ BETWEEN THE LINES!_"

"HA _HA!_ WELL, THE JOKE'S ON _YOU!_ WE'RE NOT READING, WE'RE _**TALKING!**_"

"_Aaaaaaaargh!_" Roxanne dropped her face into her palms. Seriously, this man had worse mood swings than a pregnant woman!

"Not so tough NOW, _are_ you?" he taunted, doing a small victory dance with his shoulders and hips. He was so excited over having proven his superiority that it took a full minute for the smug smile to fall from his face, when he noticed that Roxanne hadn't moved.

Megamind bit his lip nervously. Sometimes he just couldn't control the showoffy villain in him, but Roxanne usually took it so well...

"Um...Roxanne...?"

She raised her face a bit, hard eyes _daring_ him to do something stupid. "Are you done now?"

He nodded mutely, eyes wide, and sat back down.

"_Good._" She took in and released another deep breath, closed her eyes, and started again. "I'm _not_ talking about elevation. I'm talking about..._the birds and the bees_."

Still looking befuddled, Megamind tried his best to nod solemnly. "Yes, I hear they're quite abundant in this season."

"_No_, Megamind," Roxanne said firmly, looking him straight in the eyes again. "_I don't mean it literally_."

His expression didn't change. "I'm not sure where you're going with this."

Now she was beginning to feel a bit surprised. "You—_really?_ Not even _that_—well, um," she fumbled, searching her brain, "uh..._do the nasty?_ Roll in the hay? Wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am?"

Megamind just shook his head slowly, never breaking eye contact.

Instinctively casting a nervous glance around the room, she lowered her voice to a furtive whisper. "_Having sex?_"

The blue alien looked curious, but still definitely uncomprehending. This, however, was overshadowed by a tremendous _**CRASH!**_ from the opposite end of the room, where a fish-controlled robot stood rigidly in the doorway while an enormous plate of Jell-O jiggled upside-down on the floor.

"Minion!" Roxanne called out pleadingly, too distracted to be fully embarrassed by the situation. "_You_ know what it is, right?"

For a moment Minion just stared at her, wide-eyed, his mouth firmly set in a thin line. Then, with an oddly detached air, he stated tonelessly, "_I have no idea what you're talking about_", turned around, stalked out, and slammed the door, leaving the mangled dessert on the floor behind him.

"So this _'syax'_," Megamind began seriously, steepling his fingers under his chin. "What _is_ it, exactly?"

Roxanne snapped her gaze back to him, falling back into a slight panic. "Are—are you _serious?_ Didn't you ever...I mean, you went to _high school_, right? There's absolutely NO WAY you can get through high school without learning about this, whether or not it's in any curriculum!"

"I didn't _get _through high _'shoole'_, I _breezed_ through it," Megamind replied condescendingly, but one look back at Roxanne told him this wasn't the time. So instead he shrugged, and waved his hand absently. "I...may have _heard of it_, once or twice, but beyond that...?"

She bit her lip. "Well...don't you know where babies come from?"

Completely deadpan—"I was told there was a _'stoerk'_."

Desperately grasping, she tried, "Haven't you ever even looked at any _anatomy textbooks?_"

This garnered a strong reaction. "Good LORD no!" Megamind blustered, almost tumbling out of his seat in shock. "Those things have _DIRTY PICTURES_ in them!"

_And THIS is the "bad boy" that made Metro City tremble in fear?_ Roxanne couldn't help but think sardonically. Megamind was still staring at her in vague terror, and with a twinge she thought what a pity it would be to spoil that adorably childlike innocence. To be sure, they'd made out a few times, and she _had_ noticed his complete failure to try to feel her up during any of these sessions, but to not even _know_ about the most intimate act...? As refreshingly charming as it was, though, he'd have to find out sooner or later—after all, even if they _did_ someday break up, he was the "hero" now, and he was far more likely to be able to get another girl than if he was still a villain...

"...Well," Roxanne began nervously, "it's like _this_."

And she waited.

But the words didn't come.

"...You haven't even watched an R-rated movie?" she asked weakly.

Megamind tried to keep up a dignified look, but quickly withered into shame. "Minion won't give me the password to unblock those channels on the tee-vee."

Roxanne sighed.

"Well," she began again, and decided to go for the old classic, "when a man and a woman love each other _very much_—"

But she didn't get any further, because Megamind immediately sprang into action, almost throwing himself across the table to snatch up her hands. "So THIS is why you're bringing up this 'syex'?" he demanded breathlessly, his face a mere inch from her own, a huge smile stretching from ear to ear. "You're—do you really _mean_ it? You LOVE me?"

Caught off-guard, Roxanne stammered, "W-well, I...I suppose...I do _like_ you, a _whole lot_...I mean, we're _dating_ and everything..."

"No! Say it! _Say it!_" He was bursting with energy, hopping up and down, squeezing her hands so tightly it was cutting off the circulation.

"I..." She smiled awkwardly. "I love you?"

"_YES! __**YE-E-ESSSSS!**_" Megamind shouted, leaping to his feet, throwing his hands into the air—which, because he still had Roxanne's hands in his grasp, yanked _her_ upright as well. Snapping abruptly from unbridled ecstasy to stonefaced seriousness, he squared his feet, pulled her hands to his chest, and looked her right in the eye. "And I love _you_, Roxanne Ritchie. My love for you is undying, like, like, like those little snack cakes with no expiration dates on their packaging. Because my love will never spoil, or rot, or grow icky green moldy things that gross you out and make you throw it in the garbage. It's that kind of love, Roxanne. _Processed snack cake love._ Undying and eternal. _Forever_."

As frantic and flustered as this moment was, and as nonsensical as his metaphor was, it was the sweetest thing that anyone had ever said to Roxanne. Immediately all of the stress and frustration melted away, and she let her body relax. "Oh, _Megamind_..." she murmured adoringly.

Then the alien quickly glanced away, focusing instead on the doorway, where the edge of a hesitantly protruding glass helmet was barely visible. "MINION!" Megamind called out excitedly, releasing one of Roxanne's hands to enthusiastically wave at the alien fish.

Minion poked the robot suit's head just a little further into the room, a profoundly nervous expression on his face. "Sir...?"

"GUESS WHAT, MINION!" Megamind gushed. "ROXANNE _LOVES_ ME!"

Minion glanced at the woman, who raised her eyebrows and grinned lopsidedly, then he turned his gaze back to Megamind and attempted a slight smile of his own, though not yet willing to let go of his trepidation. "Well...that's good, isn't it, sir?"

"IT'S _VERY _GOOD, MINION!" Still sporting his enormous grin, Megamind pointed emphatically at Roxanne with his free hand, raising his voice even louder for his next proclamation. "_WE LOVE EACH OTHER VERY MUCH, MINION! APPARENTLY, THAT MEANS WE'RE HAVING __**'SYEX'!**_"

Minion's robot body didn't move. However, the little fish himself collapsed in a dead faint.

Baffled, Megamind looked over at Roxanne, who was wide-eyed with teeth set in the frozen gleeless grin of the Sudden Awkward Moment.

"You said it meant when a man and a woman loved each other very much," he remarked confusedly.

Roxanne exhaled without unclenching her teeth, feeling that it'd be a while before she'd be able to relax those muscles again. "One of these days," she stated quietly, "you're going to have to start letting me finish my sentences."


End file.
